It’s Almost as Good as Being There

by | Mar 7, 2021 | Resilience When Life is Challenging | 0 comments

Our son, Max, is moving from Colorado to Oregon tomorrow. It will be the first time in 25 years that he’s lived more than an hour and a half away from home. Now both our kids will live in other time zones; our daughter, Sarah, lives a thousand miles in the other direction.

So now what?

So now, we’ll stay connected virtually, something we’re all used to after a year of social distancing. But those are pretty one-dimensional connections. For a deeper, richer one, I’ll do something I call memory-bathing, which is similar in some ways to the psychological concept of savoring.

Memory bathing

Bathing yourself in a memory means recalling it as fully as you possibly can, engaging each of your senses in turn – imagining each sight, sound, taste, scent and physical feeling as if it were happening all over again. Let each sensation fill your awareness; feel it in your body. Linger on every lovely detail. Breathe deeply and let the yummy feelings wash over you like waves of warmth.

This can feel just about as good as the real thing and in fact your brain may hardly know the difference. As author David Allen writes, “It appears that the nervous system can’t tell the difference between a well-imagined thought and reality.” You’ve probably had the experience of imagining something awful and feeling a surge of cortisol and adrenaline run through your body; memory-bathing is simply using this ability with thoughts of love and connection, which instead trigger your brain and heart to produce oxytocin (the “kindness hormone”).

So when I want to memory-bathe about Max, I could remember:

Touch

  • His silky-smooth baby hair
  • Getting a big man hug from him yesterday

Smell

  • The fancy French vanilla+berry green tea he bought me for Christmas one year, which we’re going to finish this afternoon
  • Anything baby-related

Taste

  • Salmon with Asian noodles – a dish he loves that I’ve made for him many times
  • That fancy French tea

Sight

  • Any of the pictures of him around our house or in my digital photo library
  • Watching him play the drums with his band

Sound

  • Him saying, “I love you, mom”
  • His album (though it’s metal, so not too much of it)

Just writing this brings a smile to my face and warmth and peace to my body.

The cool thing about memory-bathing is that it’s free, it’s easy and available to anyone. I use it to feel connected to Sarah, my mom, who passed away in 2016, my friends near and far, my brother in Pennsylvania – anyone I miss. We can even do it with places we love, pets that are no longer with us, wonderful trips we’ve taken and more.

 

Wishing you wonderful memories and lots of oxytocin. 

sea1

Do you need kind, compassionate support to bounce back from a negative experience? If so, then get in touch with me now, and let’s make the most of your precious time, energy and love. 

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Kristen Carter

Kristen Carter, Certified coach, author, and breast cancer survivor. More

Self-Love Comes First

Self-Love Comes First

Valentine’s Day can be a wonderful holiday if you’re in a relationship with someone you care for (and who cares for you). But whether you’re in such a partnership or not, there is one person you should love above all others: yourself. “What??” you might ask. “What...

Dealing With Survivor’s Guilt

Dealing With Survivor’s Guilt

Many of us with breast cancer become close friends with others that we meet in support groups, online forums, and through friends. Sadly, some of them pass away, leaving us with grief and, sometimes, survivor’s guilt. Survivor’s guilt is real and we all experience it...

Living Without Regrets

Living Without Regrets

“I wish I’d lived a life true to myself rather than the one others expected of me.” That was the number-one regret expressed by dying people cared for by Australian palliative nurse Bronnie Ware, who worked with hospice patients for almost ten years and who wrote...

Dealing With Breast Cancer-related Weight Gain

Dealing With Breast Cancer-related Weight Gain

As if having breast cancer isn’t bad enough, many women find that they put on unwanted pounds due to the specific treatment they’re on and/or feeling too tired to exercise the way they used to. I am not a metabolism expert but did some research and found that the...

Taming “Scanxiety”

Taming “Scanxiety”

In the same way we can imagine beautiful futures like a cure for cancer and watching our grandchildren thrive, we can imagine the most awful futures: disease progression, painful treatment, devastating side effects, dying. Imagination is a uniquely human capacity,...

Get through this with self-love, a clear focus on what matters most to you, and help from someone who's been there.

Explore what kind, compassionate support can feel like with a no-obligation conversation with me by phone or by Zoom.